


pinkish

by PercificRim



Series: newmann song fics [2]
Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: BPD Newt, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, Rough Sex, This is not Happy, imma be real w you folks: they hurt each other, it's not even sex it's just... rough., they love each other SO MUCH i promise, they'll be okay though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 12:50:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18800704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PercificRim/pseuds/PercificRim
Summary: Sometimes, Newt loves Hermann so much that he thinks it might destroy Hermann one day, as if Newt is Atlas, holding the crumbling world on his shoulders, but in loving Hermann he has made the selfish decision to heave his terrible burden over onto Hermann’s already fragile back.





	pinkish

**Author's Note:**

> listen to the song pinkish while you listen to this. hopefully it's paced in such a way that when there's a natural progression in the song there's a natural progression in the tone/situation. except that i got to the end of the bridge, and i honestly thought the fic was better left there, so the fic should end as the bridge ends and then you have to listen to the awesome guitar riffing without reading.

Sometimes, Newt loves Hermann so much that he thinks it might destroy Hermann one day, as if Newt is Atlas, holding the crumbling world on his shoulders, but in loving Hermann he has made the selfish decision to heave his terrible burden over onto Hermann’s already fragile back.

Sometimes, Newt wants Hermann so much that he thinks it might kill him. He can feel his mind, sometimes, screaming, and crying out for Hermann to swallow him whole, devour him, let Newt become a part of him.

Sometimes Newt needs Hermann so much that when Hermann scoffs and dismisses his theories, Newt’s brain breaks down and demands blood.

 

Which brings them to half an hour ago, when Newt interrupts Hermann in the middle of a briefing to ridicule his every word. Pentecost shoots him warning looks which Newt pointedly ignores, and Hermann grows red as Newt’s words grow sharper and crueller until his mouth is spinning mockeries about Hermann, his abilities, his motivations, asking Pentecost whether he can really trust the words of a man whose Jaegers have fallen.

Hermann’s mouth twists right back and asks whether Newt, unstable as he is, could be called trustworthy either.

“Maybe Hermann _wants_ the pilots to fall,” Newt spits out. “Maybe he’s jealous that they do what he’s always wanted to, and that’s why he’ll let them die.”

Hermann’s nostrils flare, and here is the breaking point that Newt’s brain has so viciously longed for, the breaking point where Hermann will carve him up, display his worst innards to the world and step over his remains. The breaking point where Hermann will leave him, like he’s inevitably going to, and Newt will shatter apart in the most delightfully destructive way.

“Perhaps should consider that Geiszler _wants_ the end of the world. He certainly holds no regard for his own life, given that we all know he tried to take-”

Newt slaps Hermann hard across the face, breaking him off mid-sentence.

 

Which brings them to where they are right now, tangled up in Hermann’s sheets, rutting desperately against each other. Hermann bites down on Newt’s throat hard enough to draw blood, and Newt cries out angrily. In retaliation, he rakes his nails down Hermann’s back again, adding to the criss-cross of marks already formed. Hermann whimpers in pain, reaches up to yank and Newt’s hair, and then shifts down to bite Newt’s nipple so hard that Newt screams in pain.

It’s exhausting, and tears mix with the blood at Newt’s throat. Hermann grips Newt’s ass hard enough to bruise with one hand, and when Newt tries to raise his head to bite into Hermann’s shoulder, Hermann’s other hand reaches up and curls around his throat. The combination of Hermann’s palm pressing hard into his airways, keeping his head pinned down, and the roughness of the scratch of Hermann’s calloused fingers against the wounds on Newt’s throat is enough to make Newt writhe in pain, whining and arching desperately off the bed. His hands flail before they find Hermann’s cock, where he squeezes hard enough that Hermann relinquishes his grip on Newt’s throat. Newt gulps in mouthfuls of air, senses phasing in and out of function, brain tearing apart from the oscillation between pleasure and pain, hatred and love.

They continue like that, gasping hard and crying, with Newt digging his nails into Hermann’s skin as hard as he can, and Hermann sinking his teeth into the most delicate areas of Newt’s skin. Eventually they are both shaking too much to continue. Neither of them comes. They both hurt too much. They lie trembling beside each other until the tears subside. Newt rolls over to face Hermann.

“I love you, Hermann.”

Hermann just looks tired. “I know.”

“I hate you, sometimes, too.”

Hermann closes his eyes. “I know.”

“Does it hurt?”

Hermann laughs bitterly. Newt had been talking about Hermann’s red face, his marked back, but Hermann answers the more important question. “Of course it does. I never feel anything but love for you. It hurts to know that there are times when my feelings are so unrequited.”

“But they’re not,” Newt insists, and this is why this was so important, “Hermann, when I hate you it feels the same as when I love you. Overwhelming, and like I’m burning in it, or drowning, I don’t know, just, I know that it surrounds me and engulfs me and nothing matters but you. Hermann, when I hate you, it’s because nothing matters but you, but I get angry, and you become the most important thing to be angry at.”

Hermann doesn’t reply.

“It’s not without its benefits, either.”

Hermann cracks open an eye warily.

“Do you remember the moment you first knew you loved me? The moment you realised that for you, it was only me?”

“Of course I do,” Hermann whispers, bruised lips cracking the ghost of a smile at the recollection.

“I get to have that moment over and over again, Hermann. For every instance I think I hate you, I get to fall in love with you all over again.”

Hermann reaches out, and pulls Newt against him.

“One day, you will be the most important thing to me. But right now the fate of the world rests in our hands, and I cannot, _will_ not put your feelings above that. I will continue to challenge and rebut you where I feel you are incorrect.”

“I know.” Newt closes his eyes. “We’ll be okay, won’t we? When all this is over. We won’t be like this, will we? We’ll be happy.”

Hermann leans down and kisses Newt’s forehead.

“Of course we will, love,” he mutters, and tears drip down into Newt’s hair, “one day, I’ll marry you and we’ll love each other for the rest of our lives.”

Newt shifts so he can tilt his head up to press a gentle kiss to the corner of Hermann’s mouth.

“We hurt each other, Hermann,” he murmurs against Hermann’s mouth, distraught. “What if we hurt each other afterwards as well?”

“We won’t,” and there is a fierce determination in Hermann’s voice, fiercer even than when they fought, “Newt, Newton, we will be okay. I promise you that. When all this is over I can take care of you the way I want to, and you can get the help you need, and we will never be like this again.”

“Do you promise?” Newt whispers, voice cracking. Hermann buries his face in Newt’s shoulder and his shoulders wrack with sobs.

“Darling man,” he cries though choked breaths, “dearest darling man. We will be okay. We will never hurt each other again.”

And they remain like that, pressed together, pretending that Hermann’s back isn’t screaming out where the raw scratches rub against the sheets, and blood isn’t slowly trickling down Newt’s body, blooming poppies in the already stained sheets.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope that was okay!! please leave feedback!!!!


End file.
